What to Do When Your Boss Has "Feedback"

Here's how to listen to on-the-job criticism—and use it to your advantage.

Getting The Call from your manager may send chills down your spine, but here's a secret: People who are open to feedback adapt faster to new roles and leave their jobs less often, research shows. "Someone who asks what they could have done better appears self-assured and open," says Sheila Heen, coauthor of the new book Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (Even When It Is Off Base, Unfair, Poorly Delivered, and Frankly, You're Not in the Mood). "They seem committed to doing good work, which is good for anyone's reputation."

Of course, sometimes the feedback you get isn't what you want to hear. Heen and coauthor Douglas Stone have coached more than 5,000 managers and employees on these difficult conversations. Steal their tips for dealing with whatever's dished out:

1. Know what kind of feedback you're getting. There are three basic types, says Heen: appreciation ("I notice what you do and value your work"); coaching ("Here's what you could be doing better"); and evaluation ("Here's where you stand"). Most day-to-day feedback falls in the coaching category, but many people interpret those comments as a bigger-picture evaluation (your boss says, "This memo needs work"; you think he means "You're unlikely to get promoted anytime soon"), leaving you with the feeling that one mistake is a career ender. Note to self: It's not.

And when you're seeking out feedback, ask for the kind you want. Maybe you're giving a speech and want your boss to read your remarks first. "You can say, 'How can I make this better,' which would be asking for coaching," says Stone. "Or you might say, 'I'm feeling insecure about it and could use some encouragement,' which would invite appreciation." (There's nothing wrong with wanting a pep talk, Heen says. "The need for appreciation is very evident in little kids— 'Look at me!'—but we never really lose it.")

2. Press "pause" on your reaction. Negative feedback can sting, so your instinct is often to look for ways in which the critic is wrong. "We automatically want to think, She doesn't know what she's talking about, or find some reason to discard threatening-feeling information," Heen says. But take a deep breath and try to understand what she's saying. One place to start: Clarify generalizations. "You're unprofessional" may be panic-inducing, but what does it really mean? "Your manager could be referring to how you dress or how long you take for lunch," Stone says. Get specifics.

3. Make sure you understand the next step. To use feedback to your advantage, Heen says, "Think to yourself, Do I know what to do in order to follow this advice?" In other words, ask about what you've been doing that hasn't been working and what you should do differently in the future. If your boss says your quarterly reports haven't been up to par, find out exactly what he dislikes about them (are they too long or too short? does he just hate Times New Roman?); if he can provide an example of a report that knocked it out of the park, even better. You'll want next steps with positive feedback too. So if in your annual review your manager says you've been doing a great job (go, you!), ask about additional responsibilities you could take on that would help you grow.

4. Don't supersize it. "If someone says something negative about us, we take it to mean they think everythingabout us is bad," Stone says. The feedback you're getting is probably about a specific action at a specific time. Just because your manager says you're too soft-spoken with clients, it doesn't mean he thinks you're a terrible employee.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

And 3 Things to Know When Giving Feedback

1. Focus on behavior. "Don't say things like 'You're unreliable,'" Stone says. "Instead, try 'I often have to remind you about deadlines.' It's more productive if feedback is about concrete actions and not about character."

2. Listen. "Be prepared to learn why the person has been doing what they've been doing," Stone says. This isn't about letting her make excuses; it's about figuring out how you can help fix the problem.

3. If it's bad, let it be bad. Managers sometimes try to avoid upsetting employees and, as a result, aren't clear enough with them, Heen says. "Be empathetic but don't change the message—she needs to know there's a problem and that something has to improve."